"What Is Wrong With My Child?" (Probably Nothing.) Understanding Behavior With the ABC Framework
Let's talk about the thing that brings most parents to us in the first place: their child's behavior.
We've all been there. The no-more-screen-time tantrum. The refusal. The shutdown. The moment when everything you know about parenting goes out the window and you're left standing in your kitchen wondering how it got to this point… again. 😫
We want to share something that we hope will shift how you see those moments — not as a way to make them disappear, but to change what they mean to you.
Behavior Is Information
This is one of the foundational principles of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), and it's one we come back to constantly: behavior is not a problem to be eliminated. It is a communication to be understood.
Of course, that doesn't mean it isn't hard. It doesn't mean you have to be okay with everything your child does. It means that before you can change a behavior, you have to know what it's saying. And to know what it's saying, it helps to have a framework for reading it.
The ABC Framework
A Is for Antecedent
The antecedent is everything that happened before the behavior: the trigger, the context, the setup. It might be:
A transition that came without warning
A sensory environment that was already too loud
A request that landed at the wrong moment
Hunger that had been building for two hours before anyone noticed
The antecedent sets the stage for the behavior by triggering it in some way. And here's the important part: most antecedents are modifiable. That means that in many cases, the behavior you're trying to address can be prevented before it ever starts — not by "managing" the child, but by managing the setup.
B Is for Behavior
The behavior is what you see: the tantrum, the grab, the meltdown, the refusal. In the moment, it feels like the whole story! But through the lens of the ABC model, it's actually the middle. It's the response to what came before, and the signal for what comes next.
One of the most important reframes we can make as parents is this: our children are not trying to make our lives hard. They are trying to get something they need, communicate something they can't yet put into words, or escape something that is genuinely overwhelming for their nervous system.
That doesn't excuse every behavior. But it does explain it. And explanation is where change begins.
C Is for Consequence
The consequence is what happens after the behavior: your response, the outcome, what the child learns from the interaction. This is where parents often have the most power — and the most unintentional influence.
Every consequence teaches. If resisting gets a child out of a task, that behavior may unintentionally get stronger. But if positive efforts like asking politely or cooperating are rewarded, those skills will grow.
Please know that none of this is about blame. Most parents are doing exactly what was done to them, which is the only model they've ever had. But when we understand what our consequences are teaching, we can begin to make different choices.
Go Deeper
If you want to go deeper, Heather and Miriam discuss behavior in more detail in this video:
[VIDEO BLOCK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JX4AOZ1J2WU]
In your corner,
Heather & Miriam
Balance in Behavior
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